Thursday, December 10, 2009

A little of the past.

It's been a month since Sawyer was born, and i can say that, the time i was pregnant with him, was a lot harder then it was after we gave him to his mommy and daddy. While i was pregnant i really tried to give myself some "self therapy" in a way, and it really helped in the long run when coping with the emotions after the adoption. I watched a lot of shows where the mothers gave their babies up for adoption like "adoption stories" and "16 and pregnant", i also found the mothers on the "16 and pregnant" show helped too, it showed me how stressful and hard it was being a teen mom, and all the arguements and fighting around their babies just didnt seem right to me. At the begginging, when we first decided adoption was the route we where going to take,was very hard for me, i wasnt sure if it was okay to bond with Sawyer, if it was okay, to pay attention to his little kicks. I was scared that it would just make things harder. Sometimes, i would just be sitting on my bed, or in the bath staring at him kicking away or hiccuping, and i would burst into tears.I was scared that i wouldnt be able to do this for him. But things finally got alot easier, i decided it was okay to bond with him, i started talking to him, reading to him, i finally felt okay calling him our son, or our baby, not just Candace and Brett's. I haven't really wrote about what school was like for me while i was pregnant. I mean not only was i a pregnant teen, but i was a pregnant teen giving their child up for adoption. I did stir up quite a few debates with people at the beginning, kids would ask things like "Why are you doing that?", "Why can't you just keep them?", "It's not that hard to get a job and take care of them", or my personal favorite "Your baby is going to resent you, if you give them up". It was sort of funny in a way, because the people telling me these things where KIDS, just like me, but who have never been in the situation that i'm in, kids who dont have children of their own, or even jobs for that matter, kids who are to immature, to see that a baby is a living, breathing, PERSON who has many needs, that they cant provide for themselves, i honeslty dont think these people telling me these things, even know the difference between a pet, and a child. Yes, it would have been easier to ignore them, but i just felt i needed to explain, and try to make them see why i was doing this for Sawyer, in the end i felt i did open alot of people's eyes. I made alot of other teens my age see what adoption was really like, and that made school alot easier for me now that people understood. Ofcourse, i couldnt make everyone understand, and sadly it was mostly adults, even adults apart of my own family. I found it almost pathetic that i couldnt make an adult with so much more expeirence with life understand what i was doing and why i was doing this for Sawyer, pathetic because a teenager my age could understand that i was choosing adoption out of love for my child, that my child could have a better life because of this descion, and that was all that mattered, i couldnt understand, why an adult, out of those two age groups, couldnt agree with that! I found it dissapointing that parts of my own family, couldn't support my decision, because of their own opinions. But now i realize that i have all the support i need, from my friends, mom and dad, boyfriend, Candace and Brett, Teachers and all of the amazing people who have contacted us letting us know how proud they are of Me and Jason, and how happy they are for Candace and Brett.

The other day i was looking through my things, and found some stuff that i wrote in my school journals, i even doodled a little ;) i wrote about what i imagined Sawyer looking like...Let's see how accurate i was :)

"Sweet little Soybean, I imagine you with a head full of beautiful dark, curly locks, and big, brown, gorgeous doe eyes. I can already imagine that adorable smile your going to have, with matching dimples and that first tiny tooth. I can hear that amazing little laugh your going to have that will bring a smile to everyone's face. I can imagine you having the time of your life with your mommy, when you guys become a mess while she teaches you how to finger paint for the first time, or with your daddy when he introduces you to your first puppy :) I can see you being the smartest little boy, who just loves to learn about new things. We all cant wait to meet you little Sawyer Jonus"

Friday, November 13, 2009

Our little angel

He's finally here!
Sawyer Jonus Frandsen, was born November, 9, 2009, weighing 7 pounds, an measuring 20 1/4 inches long.He was exactly what i imagined, absolutely perfect. Me an Jason had a few days with Sawyer in the hospital...those where honestly the best days of our lives, I've have never felt a love so strong for someone! He put plenty of smiles on people's faces. It brought me an Jason great comfort, seeing the love in Brett an Candace's eyes when they held him. Saying good-bye to Sawyer was difficult, but i continued to remind myself all the great things that where in store for him. Me an Jason are very content with our decision for Sawyer. Me an Jason knew if we where to keep him that Sawyer would be constantly babysat, because of us always working, all three of us would struggle...We never wanted Sawyer to ever want, or feel like a burden..we know with Brett an Candace that he will never have to deal with any of those things. Sawyer, although is only a few days old, has taught so many people so much, he's brought people closer together, an has definitely made plenty of people very very happy. He is for sure an amazing little boy, i cannot put the love i have for him into words.

While i was in the hospital, Candace gave me a little journal to write in, I've chosen to make a journal for Sawyer, I'm going to fill it up with my thoughts, an someday give it to him when he's's what a wrote my first night with him in the hospital:
Dear Soybean,
I have never had such an extreme feeling of being proud, until you came out into the world and i saw how perfect you where, i couldn't believe how much i loved you, i've never felt this way about anyone or anything, you are my pride an joy. I want to protect you with everything i have an make you feel better with every whimper you make. You are exactly what i imagined! I will never regret the decision we made for you. But i cannot help but miss you, we haven't said good-bye to you yet, but i know this will be terribly hard for me, because even when you have to go to the nursery for check-up's, i miss you every second your gone. I love you Sawyer, more then you could ever wrap your cute little mind around---
Sawyer my love, there will never be a day that i don't think about you...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Anyday now

If he's not here this week, I'll be induced on Monday the 8th. I get butterflies just thinking about it :) I'm honestly a nervous wreck, with so many questions! Like what is he going to look like? Will everything go smoothly?How terribly painful is giving birth going to be? lol
I'm also quiet full of mixed emotions, I'm torn between being happy and of course a little upset. I'm so happy for Candace, Brett and my little soybean (that's Sawyer's nickname:) ). I never thought that i could bring so much joy to 2 people. Sawyer will be the happiest little baby, which brings me the most happiness. I'm looking forward to seeing all of their reactions, when they finally meet for the first time. But, i sure am going to miss looking down an seeing him there, feeling those little kicks, an punches, rubbing my tummy an talking to him. This little guy has taught me so much, an he's not even born yet! He's taught me not to care what people think, he's made me mature quite a bit, made me care about my education an success. I'm so thankful he was brought to all of us, he's the most loved baby in the world :) Oh Sawyer, when will you bless us all with your presence? :)

Friday, October 30, 2009

Sawyer Jonus

This is Sawyer Jonus Frandsen :)

I never knew a love like this, until you came to me. That day i found out that you where growing in my belly, i never once thought of you as a mistake...but a surprise. I knew you where something special, and me an your daddy knew we had to figure out a plan for you...some people say that we're "giving him away", or "giving him up", but we're not. We're making a plan for him, we've chosen an AMAZING couple to be his parents. We know they will give him the world, give him everything we can't. Some tell me, "all a baby needs is love". No, that's not true...Yes, a baby needs love, And of course me an Jason love him with all our heart an soul...but we can't provide him with the things he needs, an the things we want to give him. Of course i wish things where different, but the truth is our little Sawyer didn't ask to be here, an this is the best we can do for him. I cherish every kick, punch, an roll he makes. And can't wait for the day that i hear that beautiful scream, as he comes into the world, to see his perfect little face, hold his fragile little body, an caress his little button nose :)...Saying good-bye to him is going to hurt...but we're putting our feelings aside, to give him the best life he can possibly have. The heart ache will eventually go away an things will get better, besides it's not good bye forever :) We are at peace with our decision