Thursday, December 10, 2009

A little of the past.

It's been a month since Sawyer was born, and i can say that, the time i was pregnant with him, was a lot harder then it was after we gave him to his mommy and daddy. While i was pregnant i really tried to give myself some "self therapy" in a way, and it really helped in the long run when coping with the emotions after the adoption. I watched a lot of shows where the mothers gave their babies up for adoption like "adoption stories" and "16 and pregnant", i also found the mothers on the "16 and pregnant" show helped too, it showed me how stressful and hard it was being a teen mom, and all the arguements and fighting around their babies just didnt seem right to me. At the begginging, when we first decided adoption was the route we where going to take,was very hard for me, i wasnt sure if it was okay to bond with Sawyer, if it was okay, to pay attention to his little kicks. I was scared that it would just make things harder. Sometimes, i would just be sitting on my bed, or in the bath staring at him kicking away or hiccuping, and i would burst into tears.I was scared that i wouldnt be able to do this for him. But things finally got alot easier, i decided it was okay to bond with him, i started talking to him, reading to him, i finally felt okay calling him our son, or our baby, not just Candace and Brett's. I haven't really wrote about what school was like for me while i was pregnant. I mean not only was i a pregnant teen, but i was a pregnant teen giving their child up for adoption. I did stir up quite a few debates with people at the beginning, kids would ask things like "Why are you doing that?", "Why can't you just keep them?", "It's not that hard to get a job and take care of them", or my personal favorite "Your baby is going to resent you, if you give them up". It was sort of funny in a way, because the people telling me these things where KIDS, just like me, but who have never been in the situation that i'm in, kids who dont have children of their own, or even jobs for that matter, kids who are to immature, to see that a baby is a living, breathing, PERSON who has many needs, that they cant provide for themselves, i honeslty dont think these people telling me these things, even know the difference between a pet, and a child. Yes, it would have been easier to ignore them, but i just felt i needed to explain, and try to make them see why i was doing this for Sawyer, in the end i felt i did open alot of people's eyes. I made alot of other teens my age see what adoption was really like, and that made school alot easier for me now that people understood. Ofcourse, i couldnt make everyone understand, and sadly it was mostly adults, even adults apart of my own family. I found it almost pathetic that i couldnt make an adult with so much more expeirence with life understand what i was doing and why i was doing this for Sawyer, pathetic because a teenager my age could understand that i was choosing adoption out of love for my child, that my child could have a better life because of this descion, and that was all that mattered, i couldnt understand, why an adult, out of those two age groups, couldnt agree with that! I found it dissapointing that parts of my own family, couldn't support my decision, because of their own opinions. But now i realize that i have all the support i need, from my friends, mom and dad, boyfriend, Candace and Brett, Teachers and all of the amazing people who have contacted us letting us know how proud they are of Me and Jason, and how happy they are for Candace and Brett.

The other day i was looking through my things, and found some stuff that i wrote in my school journals, i even doodled a little ;) i wrote about what i imagined Sawyer looking like...Let's see how accurate i was :)

"Sweet little Soybean, I imagine you with a head full of beautiful dark, curly locks, and big, brown, gorgeous doe eyes. I can already imagine that adorable smile your going to have, with matching dimples and that first tiny tooth. I can hear that amazing little laugh your going to have that will bring a smile to everyone's face. I can imagine you having the time of your life with your mommy, when you guys become a mess while she teaches you how to finger paint for the first time, or with your daddy when he introduces you to your first puppy :) I can see you being the smartest little boy, who just loves to learn about new things. We all cant wait to meet you little Sawyer Jonus"